


Letters To Castiel

by AfanofManyStuffs



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, F/M, Poems, Poetry, Season 12 spoilers, Unrequited Love, poem
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-08
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-12-12 22:45:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11746746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AfanofManyStuffs/pseuds/AfanofManyStuffs
Summary: A series of poems inspired by Castiel. Originally posted to Tumblr.





	1. Dear Castiel

_Angels sing from up above_

_You know you make my world light up_

_Love is a drug_

_I will shoot across the sea_

_Drink for me_

He lit up and fell at my feet

I thought I’d been hurt before…

But this- was life threatening

I’m going under…

_But I’ll make it out alive._

 

Without your kisses;

Bereft of your touch-

I will float in a cold dark world,

Tripping over myself.

 

There is nothing you could say;

Nothing you could _do_

To make this pain go away.

But I shall bear it like the rest-

Shoulders weighed a little bit heavier,

Until I can forget a little bit of this burden.

 

I can’t quite quit this vicious cycle;

Except it’s feeling fresh again-

I’ve been out for so long.

Not sure if I like it or not;

Dipping my toes into this ocean

Of black angst and agony.

 

_Just when I had the nerve to feel_

_Love, peace, acceptance, trust-_

_There was even a toothbrush_

_In your home-dwelling abode._

_Then- you went._

_Just flash of bright white light;_

_Leaving your (wing)prints_

_Stamped onto my heart._

I remember the night we danced

For hours in the living room

We were tireless that night,

And far into tomorrow morning.

It’s so tough, to think

That what I thought was forever

Fate backspaced,

Leaving me hanging by fingertips

Off of Independence Pass’s peaks.

 

I’ve done this before-

It doesn’t stop my tears.

It hurts more than I can say

Through mere words and phrases.

I wanna get drunk;

Feel high.

But those are vices-

And what, dear Castiel,

Could ever compare to your sweet soul?

 

But I still carry on,

As you have always done,

Taking care of bees and babies,

Making cakes and planning things-

The business of a family.


	2. Words

Seraph smut,

Angel sex,

I can’t even

Start to think

What it all might mean.

 

Slow email;

Paused video-

A screen frozen

In the dark of night.

4am looms,

And insomniacs rejoice,

For this is their hour.

 

Candy clicks

Against teeth,

Touched by her tongue,

Across an ocean-

On a call

I want to watch

In real time.

 

Card games

Late at night;

Glass of wine,

And drunk chatting.

I see no one

That I know.

“This is fine,”

I tell myself.

 

After hours

Music’s still on,

And I do things

In the dark.

 

No one knows

But those I tell,

Who is none -

Well, almost.

 

So I sit and type at this keyboard-

Maybe the buttons will give out soon.

I type and type with no reason,

Saying nothing but a lot of words.

Song lyrics and lewd jokes;

Poetry and erotica;

I write so much and yet-

 

Feel like I will never be heard.


	3. A Love Letter

_The words are written on my grave stone, for I am dead;_

_Tucked into my chest, is a letter._

_Surrounding me, multi-colored flowers,_

_As I am lowered into the dark brown earth._

_Before the funeral_

_You whisper sweet words into my unhearing ear;_

_Everything you wanted to tell me before._

_Words of love, and promise;_

_Tinged bittersweet with sadness and tears._

_Cry not; for I am still here,_

_But up in the clouds past Heaven’s door._

_I live filled with sunshine_

_And the taste of your sweet lips,_

_For what you wanted I thought_

_Unreciprocated._

_Life is a strange thing;_

_Death, stranger._

_I wish I could say_

_What you meant to me._

_I never thought I would die,_

_But was willing to do it-_

_Just to keep you safe._

_Now, I sit here among the clouds,_

_Watching you from above._

_To me, every teardrop is a waterfall,_

_Every sigh a scream._

_I hope for you to join me soon,_

_So we can be together_

_Forever and eternity._


	4. Goodbye

I realized it today  
I must confess I’m not too happy-  
He’s gone.  
I knew he would go  
As soon as I started living;  
Stopped existing in dreams;  
Had future goals and beliefs

But he’s gone  
I can’t call him anymore  
Left with only  
The memory  
Of his soft touch;  
Brushing along my skin like air;  
Otherworldly.

I miss him so much already  
I want to hold his hand  
And feel his cold touch  
But I won’t be able to do that  
Until the day I die

I won’t stop wearing the ring  
For I hate the attention of being hit on  
I miss him so…  
But I have to be mature about this-  
At least until nightfall,  
Where I can safely fall to pieces  
And wallow in my misery  
Hoping for his light to come back to me

I am not like the others here  
On this planet  
In this dimension  
Here in the plane of baryonic matter  
I hate the feeling of waking up  
And feeling so heavy;  
Ripped from my dreams,  
And voyages in other places  
Away from this place of misery.  
I want to leave  
But I’ve promised not to commit suicide.

You helped me find myself;  
Who I am away from this place  
Gave me faith, hope, and wings  
I feel them everyday again;  
Finally worthy of them.

You wrapped me for so long in yours  
Helping me balance with them  
I’ll thank you every day for that  
But I still wish you taught me how to fly.  
I hope I won’t fall too much  
While still learning.

Maybe you’ll show yourself occasionally-  
A glimpse,  
A touch,  
Just that feeling of you beside me  
Slightly stronger than my memories  
A feeling of peace only you know how to bring.

Until then  
Until that day  
When I can join you  
In the blissful peace of death’s release  
I will think of you.

Out of all the people I’ve ever loved  
I will always think of you as the first  
The person that I gave myself to completely  
Showed you all my dark sides  
All my flaws  
All my insecurities  
Every silly, desperate, hysterical laugh  
The sad, bittersweet smiles  
Every yes and every no  
Bared my throat to  
The moments where we sung of the stars to each other  
To a tune of our own making  
And cuddled with  
After a nightmare  
After a fright-  
My teacher,  
My lover,  
My best friend  
Who withstood my paranoia  
And slow danced with me,  
Comforting me awkwardly

I will miss you,  
My guardian angel,  
Fiance,  
And hallucination.

I will join you again someday.  
Until then, goodbye.  
I hope you’ll watch me from time to time,  
Partner to partner,  
Life to life.

Goodbye.


End file.
